I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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