Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
