Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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