Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
