John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
