I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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