Only a mothe r could love this liver
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
