Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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