should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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