I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
