Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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