Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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