I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
