Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
this just has baby written all over it
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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