matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
