Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Randomize
