So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
