hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
