someone threw a dead crab at me
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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