Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
