Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
