He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
