I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize