And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
