fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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