Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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