tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
