It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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