I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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