You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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