there's paper in my vomit.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
