and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
