Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
