So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
