Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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