I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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