Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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