Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Vodka?
Forever.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
