For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
