Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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