He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
