The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
