I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
