my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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