She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
