dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think I died a long time ago.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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