When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
