just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
