so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
