I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Randomize
