Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
