he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
