u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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