My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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