I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
