I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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