i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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