Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
