Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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