We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
