great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
