throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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