Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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