Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We left an ass print on the piano.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize